Day300--Learning a bigger lesson

Yesterday was the fourth of July and I wrote a post about the benefits of Vitamin D.  Don't get me wrong, I still believe vitamin D is incredibly helpful for a lot of conditions.  But just as I was starting to feel like my old self--a self that could get up and go after the world--I wake up with pain in my entire right side, including my neck.  Exhaustion plagued me, an upset stomach was on the horizon, and I decided to go back to bed.

This is the day each week I typically pick up my father from my mom's office.  He likes to go eat and sometimes run errands, and when he called, I explained to him I felt badly.  When I showed up to get him he wasn't ready so I waited, and by the time he got down to the car it was clear he had a deposit for the bank.

I'm usually a really patient person with the majority of people in my life.  Students, children, my dad...people who I have a tendency not to take for granted get the best of me.  I think most people are like that.  My father has a lot of health problems, including an illness that is slowly killing him.  He often gets confused.  His balance is very poor and I worry about him walking for any length of time, never mind climbing up or down stairs.  So because of my worry, a lot of times I hold back with my dad and try to say things gently, or not say anything at all.

But today he got it, and he got it good.  One of the things that tends to happen to me when I'm hurting is I get snarly.  When I saw that deposit I flipped out.  "Did you tell Mom that I felt bad?" I demanded, as he sighed.  When he answered yes, I went straight into my, "Great.  Nobody cares how I feel!"  He got irritated, like most people would.  I mean, it was a deposit for a bank three blocks away.  The whole thing didn't even require me to get out of the car--it took all of five minutes.  I offered to take him to pick up lunch but he wisely said no.  I would have said no to me also.

Lest I come across as a total bitch, I did apologize to him.  But this was after I had told him through tears that I wish he and my mom could spend one day in my body.  They really don't know how it feels.  My mom's saying is, "Well, if you get up and get dressed and go somewhere, you may feel better."  And true, some days that's true.  But other days when my arm feels twisted out of the socket, my neck is so painful I can't turn my head, my hip is painful, I've got gastrointestinal problems, and I'm exhausted, it's time to take meds and relax in bed.  There is no amount of "happy talk" that is going to make this better.

The most frustrating thing about all this is that I can't predict it, really.  Yesterday I did have some nausea toward the end of the afternoon, and I had woken up with my arm sore.  So maybe there is a pattern.  I don't know how long it's going to last, but I've got to try to make it work.  I've promised my daughter we would go to tea this week, so I need to call and make reservations.  I also promised we would do some fun stuff,  One of the things I've found is that if I have a day like this, where my pain is really high, then I usually feel better by the end of the day, so taking her for ice cream or to see an evening movie is a better idea these days than trying to do something in the morning or even early afternoon.

I know myself well enough to know I will go apologize to my dad again.  He was only trying to follow directions and I overreacted, as I tend to do when I'm in pain.  So hopefully the meds will do their job, I'll do mine, and this whole thing will work--hopefully.