Tuesday, July 17, 2012

And so it goes.

Often when I write, it helps to put me back into a space where I can focus on the positive.  That can be difficult at times when doing battle with attachment disorder and whatever else is going on for my son.  I need that positive space and for my head to be clear.  I need it badly, and I haven't been as active in blogging as of late.  So perhaps this is exactly where I need to be.

Yesterday I had to file charges against my own child.  He assaulted me on Saturday.  Granted, I wasn't hurt, but I was scared, and it was time to move forward to the next step.  I'm not crazy about filing charges against him.  It opens up a legal can of worms and makes him accountable to another extremely flawed system.  My mother bear instincts go nutty against this, because I know all the things that could go wrong here, but I feel like I have no other choice.  He HAS to be held accountable for his actions, and holding him accountable at home isn't working.

His psychiatrist started him on antidepressants a month ago.  Since then we've seen fewer explosions, but when he gets into that space, boy does he let go.  I can honestly say I'm frightened of him, more than ever before.  I believe very strongly it is not safe for him to be at home and I have reiterated this to countless professionals, all of whom nod their heads but do nothing.  The law in our state says he cannot be placed in a hospital or residential facility without his agreement unless he is an immediate harm to himself or others.  And so we sit and struggle.

He spent the majority of this past weekend with other people because he had assaulted me at home and the police did not want him to stay here.  It is incredibly frustrating to me that because of his age, I am required to bring the person who assaulted me back home to live...with me, his victim.  The escalation of his behavior isn't taken into account.  The fear I feel in my own home isn't considered.  My daughter's safety isn't a priority.  My son's rights win out, above all else.  That is a problem.

He has apologized for his behavior.  I don't know if that was a manipulative tactic or if he truly regrets what he did.  It's impossible to tell any more.  Some days I try to stay focused and convinced that we can make headway before he turns eighteen; other days I feel like I'm counting down until he will no longer be in my custody.  I never, ever thought I would be this tapped out and hopeless.  I have come to realize recently that I have done everything I can possibly do, and at this point it is fully in his hands.  That is incredibly difficult to accept.

So I continue to pray and to try and to follow all of the advice of his many therapists.  Age eighteen is coming faster than he realizes, like it or not, and adult consequences will be put into place at that point.  I'm just praying he learns some impulse control and anger management before then.

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