Saturday, September 1, 2012

In Retrospect

So time helps one gain a little clarity...or so that's what I have been led to believe.

I don't know how much clarity I have versus the clarity I had a week ago, but I'm good with it.  I know the right decision was made regarding my job.  I could have hung in a little longer, possibly, but I would have been incredibly ill doing it and in a torturous hell.

The hardest thing I'm struggling with right now (or one of the hardest...God knows there's a long list to choose from) is accepting the fact that this illness is taking a toll on me and limits what I can and cannot do.  Most of my life, I have blamed myself when I couldn't accomplish something.  Too hard to walk a marathon?  My fault for being overweight and out of shape.  Too difficult to complete a job?  My weak mind in telling myself it sucked and I couldn't do it.  Not a big housecleaner?  My fault for being lazy.  It's just been in the last couple of months that I have started to recognize that the limitations i have aren't due to a weak spirit or lazy personality.  They're due to physical limitations that I have.  Normal people—even heavy ones—don't fall asleep at work, or race to the restroom to vomit regularly, or cringe in pain when a child hugs them.  Those are issues having to do with fibromyalgia.  Those are issues having to do with a physical illness.

I believe that I have found a part time babysitting job that would help me at least pay for my healthcare premium.  I'm hoping to begin a training business for child care employees.  I'm also looking at selling an at-home product.  We'll see.  I may end up giving up things I greatly enjoy, like my cell phone.  But we have to do what we have to do.  Cut our coat to fit the cloth, so to speak.

What I do know is that I am not alone in this struggle.  I have been blessed with a wonderful support system of family and friends who will not let me fail.  I also believe with my whole heart that God is looking out for me, and He will help me end up where I need to be.

And for that, I am eternally grateful.

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