So time helps one gain a little clarity...or so that's what I have been led to believe.
I don't know how much clarity I have versus the clarity I had a week ago, but I'm good with it. I know the right decision was made regarding my job. I could have hung in a little longer, possibly, but I would have been incredibly ill doing it and in a torturous hell.
The hardest thing I'm struggling with right now (or one of the hardest...God knows there's a long list to choose from) is accepting the fact that this illness is taking a toll on me and limits what I can and cannot do. Most of my life, I have blamed myself when I couldn't accomplish something. Too hard to walk a marathon? My fault for being overweight and out of shape. Too difficult to complete a job? My weak mind in telling myself it sucked and I couldn't do it. Not a big housecleaner? My fault for being lazy. It's just been in the last couple of months that I have started to recognize that the limitations i have aren't due to a weak spirit or lazy personality. They're due to physical limitations that I have. Normal people—even heavy ones—don't fall asleep at work, or race to the restroom to vomit regularly, or cringe in pain when a child hugs them. Those are issues having to do with fibromyalgia. Those are issues having to do with a physical illness.
I believe that I have found a part time babysitting job that would help me at least pay for my healthcare premium. I'm hoping to begin a training business for child care employees. I'm also looking at selling an at-home product. We'll see. I may end up giving up things I greatly enjoy, like my cell phone. But we have to do what we have to do. Cut our coat to fit the cloth, so to speak.
What I do know is that I am not alone in this struggle. I have been blessed with a wonderful support system of family and friends who will not let me fail. I also believe with my whole heart that God is looking out for me, and He will help me end up where I need to be.
And for that, I am eternally grateful.