Yet today, I quit. My first full day, and I came home after a revelation. One of the most profound revelations I've had in quite some time. Well, I probably shouldn't say that, because my last revelation led to a cross-country move two months ago. But one of the things I have done in my life is chosen to listen to God. I know in my gut when something is right. I knew it when I took my last job. When I moved across the country the first time. When I moved back to care for my parents. Oh, every time there were huge adjustments and tears, difficulties that needed to be ironed out, but in the end, I don't regret any of those experiences. And today, as I sat by myself eating a horrific lunch of cheese-filled soft pretzels and coke zero, I realized that God was telling me again this wasn't for me. This wasn't where I was supposed to be.
One of my very dear friends had told me before that God had put me here, that this was where He wanted me to be. I know myself well enough to know that this was where *I* wanted to be, not God. I took over that process and drove full speed ahead to get that job. It had always been my "fall back" plan, and of course it came very easily. But what I realized today is that I'm not the same girl that I was twelve years ago, when I last worked there. I'm not the same. Since then, my world has grown tremendously. My professional skills have multiplied and I wouldn't be happy in this job any more. And because there were children involved, I had to let it go as soon as possible. Which meant today.
I'm sure those children will end up with a teacher who is wonderful and able to give to them fully. At least I hope so. And me? I'm back out there peddling my wares. Figuring out where I'm supposed to go, what I'm supposed to do with my life. At the end of the day, after the guilt of letting everyone down leaves me, after the fear of not being needed or not finding a job I can live with in this economy is gone, I'll go back to hitting the pavement with a better understanding of who I am and what I need to do. So for that, I'm thankful for the last few days. Clarity is always a good thing.
So is a paycheck, but that will come soon enough.