Monday, March 1, 2010

You know who you are

Last night, someone I care about said some things to me that upset me a lot.

We were discussing the future of my son. What's best for him. I don't know what's best for him and I've never said I did. Everything I do is after agonizing for extended lengths of time and gathering tons of information and making "best guesstimations". Lately I've been considering some measures that I never thought I would.

What brought me to this point? Fear, I guess. That and stress. Worries about my mom, my career, my family, others that I love. Wanting guarantees about things that I'll never have guarantees on. Oh, and pain. That's probably part of the equation too.

At any rate, this person questioned me. Hard. She holds strong opinions for good reasons. She's tough (God, do I have anyone who isn't tough in my life? It's doubtful.) and she echoed the doubts I have flying around at any given time in my head.

My first response was devastation, hurt, pain. I thought she had "understood", whatever that means.

Now I've had a whole day to think about it. I still don't know how I feel, exactly, but I do know this.

She made me think harder about my situation.
She made me think more about the commitments I've made and what those commitments mean.
And she stirred up a fire in me.

If she reads this, she'll know who she is. My feelings are still hurt. So are hers, I imagine. But see, I want you to know this--I won't give up. I wasn't going to before, but goddammit, I'm not a quitter.

I'm in this for life. And you can bet your ass on that. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for reminding me of that...tears and all.

And let me assure you--this post is snark-free.

1 comment:

  1. I hope this isn't me. Did I talk to you last week? I know I say stuff. I hope I'm not hurtful. Love you lots! You rock!