Monday, September 19, 2011

Day 221—And the World Spins Round and Round

I'm so dizzy today.

I guess I should post my numbers—

Pain- 5

I forced myself to get up this morning because my mother was here and I knew she would bitch if I didn't get up.  She came in here the other morning screaming about how it was eleven or something and I hadn't gotten up.  Well actually, I HAD gotten up.  I had taken one kid to school, made sure the other kid went to school, charged up the battery in one of the cars before I found myself back in bed sleeping.  I'm trying to be patient, but there are days I want to yell, "Get the fuck away from me...I'm fucking tired!"  I want to be left alone to sleep.  I'm exhausted.  Everything is dizzy and it hurts.  My back hurts and my shoulder hurts and my hands hurt.

I know my mother thinks she's helping me.  Somehow she's gotten the idea that if she's "hard" on me that I will buck up, little camper, and do what I need to do.  All day I 've wanted to sleep.  Curl up under the blankets and sleep.  I'm cold and dizzy and achy.  I hate it.  But I hate being bugged about it even more.

One of my friends told me a bit ago that it's good to focus on the positive.  I have to admit she is right.  My earlier post was based on pain—emotional and physical—and so I'm going to focus the rest of this post on  the positive, both emotional and physical

Physically, I am able to move easily most days and walk wherever I need to go.  I have joined the Y and once I can get over to swim, it will be a good thing.  I just need to make time in my schedule.  I have watched many people my age or even younger who have lost mobility, so it's a blessing to have that.  I feel lucky that despite the pain, I have medication and doctors who are willing to help and make my life better.  That is wonderful.  Earlier today I was feeling really lonely, and asked for hi's from some of my friends in another state.  And they came flooding in, from friends and former parents of my preschoolers and former students I had.  How lucky am I?  And physically, to have the ability still to type how I need to, to meet the needs for my job, is a blessing too.  Today I felt really badly and thought about quitting.  But why?  I need to take one day at a time, and if i get in over my head I will worry about that then.

Emotionally?  I am loved beyond measure.  I have a mother and father who will do almost anything to help me.  I have a husband who loves me and two children who are beautiful, smart, and loving beyond measure.  Not every mother of a 14-year old boy gets a hug each night along with an "I love you, Mom."  My twelve-year old loves me too, and takes the time to tell me regularly.  We laugh together and love each other.  

What made the difference in my attitude?  My friend's reminder, no doubt.  In addition, a nap this afternoon made a huge difference.  Today I just needed the rest.  And I can work tonight if I'm up late.  I'm so lucky to have a job that's flexible like this.  Otherwise, I fear I would not be able to pull it off.

Friends, family, God and His loving spirit.  I am blessed for sure.

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