Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Day 321-Anger

I am so absolutely horrified by myself....by feeling this way...by letting this illness steal the best and the rest of my life.

Helen used to ask me "Who promised you easy?"  Well, nobody...and they seem intent on making sure that I don't GET easy.

I lay in bed all day today.  Every inch of tissue in my body hurts, inflamed with this fucking illness.  I cancelled two interviews I had this week because I couldn't get out of bed.

Scratch that.  I didn't try to get out of bed because I hurt so much.  I just wanted to lay here and snuggle my daughter.  I just wanted to focus on her, on my love for this little girl and to forget everything this damn illness is robbing me of.

It's robbed me of my self-esteem, most of all.  Limiting what I can and cannot do.  Okay, so I've given myself a walk on any jobs of major hours or importance.  I have things I need to do though.  A sleep study.  Physical therapy.  Xrays and ultrasounds.  And visiting my therapist every week.

So if I'm going to slack off on the work and give myself a free pass for the summer, then I need to toughen up and get the things done that my doctors have told me to do.  That has GOT to be my job.  Getting in the swimming pool.  Taking a walk.  Getting healthy sleep and balancing my days.  I KNOW I have it in me to survive and beat this.  No amount of tears will ever fix it.  I have to dig myself out of this hole of self-pity and live my life.  I have to appreciate what I have.  Nobody has an easy ride.  Everybody struggles and I am not any more special than others.

Giving up those potential jobs today may or may not have been a mistake.  I don't know.  I don't think it would have been fair to the children to have someone who is so sore and stiff to care for them.  I don't think it would have been fair to me either.  Whether I like it or not, I have a very difficult illness and I have to accept that and work with it.  There may never come a day that I feel super great all the time.  But maybe there will come a day I feel super great.  Or even good enough to take my daughter to the theme park, or to the movies, or out shopping and enjoy it.  Maybe there will come a time, soon, that I can make myself breathe in the air and appreciate its feel.

My single goal at this point is to make myself better.  Whatever I need to do, whatever I need to take and participate in, I need to do it with the gusto of a woman hanging on for dear life.  And it starts tomorrow, with a shower upon waking to loosen up my muscles.  Then my priorities are to fill in paperwork for the Y, take my daughter to auditions for her camp, and in between to schedule a sleep study and make a PT appointment.

If I'm going to grab my life back, I might as well do it with all the gusto I can.

this is not how i want to live my life, and i reject that it is God's plan for me.  God plans great things for me, brilliant light and beauty.  This is not his plan for me, but it may be part of his plan to get me there.  To prove to myself that I am worth that work and dedication and love.

I am worth loving.  I am.  And I will get better.

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