I'm rebuilding my life.
My pain has become far more manageable lately. I still have some days that I wake up sore or have some lingering pain, but after taking my meds it is much more manageable. I'm not vomiting as much as before, which is such a relief. I did get ill today, but with the exception of that one time, the rest of my body felt pretty good.
I took my son out today and bought him an iced mocha at Starbucks. This was a milestone for both of us in a few ways; first, it was his first real coffee drink and second, he got it as a surprise reward for remembering to turn his light out in his room more consistently. I had written him a note that I was going to take him and left it on his bed. Then he called at the end of school.
He asked for his dad first, who was asleep. When I told him so, he hesitated, then told me he had missed the bus. Apparently he had to go back to get his backpack and the bus was gone when he came out. I told him it was okay and I'd come get him. He thanked me and apologized, and it occurred to me how hard it is for me to cut this kid a break sometimes.
Over the year, he's missed his bus exactly two times--once in the morning and then once today. For a kid his age who's never ridden a bus before, I don't think that's too bad. In fact, it's pretty damn responsible. We had talked to him about how he needs to turn the light off in his room when he isn't in there, and despite some very difficult days this week, he's been trying to do that, as well as to clean up after himself.
I'm a little ashamed to admit that I heard relief in his voice when I told him it was okay and I'd be there in a bit. It served as a wake up call to how my child perceives me. He expects to be chewed out for every mistake he makes. He expects me to be angry and hostile toward him. Where's his margin of error? I don't give him one.
I can't remember the last time I took him to Starbucks. I can't remember the last time the two of us went out to do anything together and didn't argue.
In the car, he began to get frantic and argumentative during a conversation we were having. I told him that the way he was talking was frustrating to me. And he stopped. He stopped arguing and changed his response to one of semi agreement with me. Just the fact that he stopped was amazing to me. It made me feel valued by him. The two of us have a long way to go in our communication but maybe...just maybe...we might make it.
I have interviews on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. Amazing, huh? And I feel like I can actually do it...I can go to the interviews and not fall apart. That I can work two days a week, as one of the jobs has requested, and be okay. That I might actually be able to bring in some money this summer and spend some time with my kids. For the first time in months I've thought that I might be able to take my daughter to a theme park tomorrow, should I decide to do so. It's all good.
Yeah. Today, it is.