Saturday, June 4, 2011

Day 331--the Ins and Outs

Today I slept a lot today also.  I don't know why I've been so tired.  I know sometimes fibromyalgia can do that, as can depression.  And I'm depressed for sure.  I'm struggling to find a job--any job.  I don't know why I'm so desperate for one right now.  I know in my heart that I will have something by fall, so why worry now?  Because I can.  Instead of focusing on physical therapy, talk therapy, appropriate healthy habits to lower my stress, I feel the need to bring home the bacon, so to speak.

I have a lot of unresolved issues from my last job.  Well, technically I've worked at the community college in the spring, but I'm not really counting that.

I want to know why all of the power at an entire preschool was put in the hands of one person, particularly a person with NO experience in lab schools.  I want to know why I wasn't allowed to collaborate anymore to improve the school.  I want to know why I had to continue to do the same job I had done as interim director, but without the pay.  I want to know how she got away with treating me so badly.  I want to know why nobody consulted me with or for anything, seeing as I was the only one there who knew how the school ran, how the budget worked, how our school had been run.

I let the last semester I had at that school destroy nine years of hard work and dedication.  My biggest regret is having played it too safe--of not calling people directly on their BS.  Why didn't I?  Because I was trying to be professional.  I was trying to be a good girl, a good staff member, a good team player.  The problem was that I wasn't on the team...I was the ball girl.

I miss my friends, but more than anything, I miss feeling useful.  I've thought of writing books, even a memoir of my time there, but I don't think anyone would buy it.  I miss feeling like I make a difference, that I'm touching somebody's--anybody's--life.  I believe with my whole heart that God has brought me here for a purpose.  There is a reason that I'm here, and I believe it's more than just spending time with my father.  Is it to go to school?  Is it to further my career?  Or is it something else...supporting my mother or father as they go through these changes...or is it to do something more, something different.  I don't know what my purpose is right now.

The last time I remember feeling this confused was before I started my master's program in social work.  I remember crying regularly, unsure of what I was supposed to do an unable to make a decision.  So I finally decided to do the thing that made the most sense--go back to school.  I just happened to choose a degree that wasn't a good fit for me.  Social work takes a special kind of person, although I suppose most degrees do.  I didn't have the stomach for it.  But I did have the ability, the calling, to teach.

The idea of trying public school both frightens and intrigues me.  I'm afraid of the extensive paperwork, of being able to create lessons regularly that will give kiddos the knowledge they need.  My one real experience teaching in a public school was a nightmare and I don't want to repeat that.

I've applied for a couple director positions but i'm not holding my breath.  I interviewed a few months ago for one of those, and I was fairly appalled with the state of affairs.  There wasn't enough for the children to do.  It was then that I understood I had become spoiled.  I had gotten whatever i had needed at my previous job.  Not anymore.

Ideally?  I'd open my own center.  Or I'd open my own business for training and workshops.  So maybe that's what I'm supposed to do this summer...workshops and trainings?  I really wish I could find a job as a resource person or a mentor.  That would be my ideal, I suppose.

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