Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Day 342-Motivation

Or lack thereof.

I can't remember a time in my life where I haven't struggled with motivation.  Actually I take that back--there have been short periods of time where I have been extremely motivated because I was so engaged in whatever it was that I was completely focused.  Now, however, is not one of those times.

I'm guessing that feeling crappy feeds into that.  I'm also guessing that it may tie into not being cared for appropriately as a child.  I have a lot of trouble drawing the line between when I'm really sick and when I just don't feel well.  When I was a kid, my parents didn't consider you to be "sick" unless you were vomiting or had a fever.  As an early childhood educator, I'm very clear on the fact that a child can be sick even if they're not running a fever or vomiting.  Having people telling you that your reality isn't real can really fuck with your mind.

Today I'm not in horrendous pain.  I'm just tired, sore, and unmotivated.  I want to stay in bed.  I guess some people would call that depressed.  Maybe so.  I also think I tend to get depression confused with immaturity.  I think back to my life two years ago when things were very hard at home with my son, but I worked and did all the things I had always done.  Overwhelmed, yes, but not unmotivated.  I still loved to teach.

A lot of times i find myself in a situation where if I just get going--take my shower, put on my makeup, go to where I need to be--I actually am okay.  Tonight we have our mindfulness workshop.  This is a workshop that my daughter and I are doing together to learn stress reduction techniques.  I actually enjoyed this time last week, and afterward my daughter and I go to get a drink or a treat.  It's a special time for us together, and it's a total of two hours out of my day.  It's even in the evening, which is a time that I tend to be in a better place.  But for whatever reason I woke up today not wanting to do it.  I'd rather lay in bed working on my computer and watching television.  It's silly, really.  But I'm trying to figure out why I feel this way.  Why it's so difficult for me to do things that most people find easy.  What is missing in me that isn't for others?

I need to figure this out about myself because it's gotten in the way of a lot of things in my life.  I don't know if it's depression or a lack of motivation or what, but it ends up harming my relationships both professionally and personally.  I worry that when I look back at my life it will be a time full of regret.  Things that i wish I had made time for I will have missed.

I tend to feel overwhelmed very easily, and wonder if this contributes to my lack of motivation.  It doesn't take much for me to feel like my life is out of control.  I guess it's a lot to talk out in therapy.

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