Day 350

Exhaustion was the name of the game this morning.  I stayed up too late last night out of restlessness and paid for it this morning.

Yesterday morning I was sleeping and the doorbell rang.  Color me shocked when I saw the school psychologist there.  He and I had met before during my son's IEP evaluation.  I invited him in.

Sometimes as a parent, you're caught completely offguard.  Yesterday was one of those days.  My son had been cutting and had threatened to kill himself.  Two girls at his school informed the administration, and when I didn't answer the phone, the school psychologist came over.

When my son was eight, I bared one of my greatest fears to his psychologist--that my son would become a cutter.  It's very common for children with attachment disorder to inflict harm upon themselves.  His psychologist had looked at me and gently said, "We will work hard and pray hard that he doesn't, but with his history, it's quite likely he will."

And all my fears were there yesterday, suddenly, in my face.  Dozens of cuts made by scissors, covering both arms up to the elbows.  As I watched him bawling, begging me not to send him to a hospital or residential facility, my heart broke.  I tried desperately to choke down my fear that he may make good on his threat of suicide one day.  That he could see how much I loved him and erase the pain of life.  That he could breathe, willingly and well with no pain.

As things calmed down yesterday, I was able to have several good, honest conversations with him.  He had been hurt by his girlfriend, who broke up with him on facebook.  He had been upset by something that had happened to his sister a few weeks before.  But what he said--the part that grabbed me and I couldn't let go--was, "I'm just tired of living in pain."

Yeah, I get you there.  Pain sucks.  Whether it's emotional or physical, it sucks big time and is a terrible way to live.  He has begun an antidepressant but it hasn't been long enough to take effect.  Pain can grip you, suck you dry, and toss you out on your ass.

So I made an appointment for him to see his therapist today, which he did, and we both agree that for now, he's okay.  Life as a teenager is hard, and emotions turn on a dime.

My own pain has been relatively minor today, or much more minor than I had expected.  I slept most of the morning and have had moderate pain in my shoulder, hip, and lower back.  I got a lot done today, at least for me.  Taking my son to his therapist, shuffling my dad around, and doing the grocery shopping was a full day for me.  I was able to manage without any medication until the late afternoon.

Pain rating for the day--4 to 5.