Sunday, May 15, 2011

Day 352...Lazy.

Pain today is about typical with the use of painkillers.  Aches in my shoulder and back, down my spine.

I've always been a procrastinator.  When I was a kid, my parents really hated that I was like that and would get after me regularly.  I procrastinated over everything--homework, chores, whatever I didn't want to do.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm a bit ADD because I do get distracted, have trouble finishing tasks and get overwhelmed easily when I'm not sure what to do.  I have trouble thinking about where to get started and how to tackle a new project sometimes.  And that anxiety often makes me procrastinate more.

Working with this illness, I have the feeling, is going to force me out of some of my procrastination.  I have to go to the doctors when required.  I have to take medication on time, and if I'm ever going to leave my house I have to be determined enough to make it happen.  Right now it's almost a tad too easy to just stay home.  To stay in bed and rest.  I'm sure my doctors would tell me that's the worst thing to do, but I almost feel defensive of it.  There was a day several weeks ago when I was in tremendous pain and had run out of painkillers.  This was prior to seeing the pain management doctor.  I thought the doctor I had seen the week before would renew my prescription, and after being told he would, the nurse called me back when it was too late to see anyone else and told me she had been mistaken.  I remember crying and asking her, "Do you know how this feels?  Do you know how much pain fibromyalgia can cause?" She was sympathetic, poor woman, and sat on the phone with me as I cried and expressed some extreme displeasure with the doctor.

I do believe that this illness is multifaceted, and one of the most important first steps I can take is getting pain under control.  However, it's not going to be as easy as taking a pill.  It's going to require gentle stretching, probably some tweaks to my diet, and being willing to follow directions that I don't necessarily like or want to do.  My rheumatologist, as irritated as I was with her at the time, called it well when I saw her last week:  I have to buy into the idea I can get better.  What she didn't say but I've started to realize is that I have to buy into it enough to be willing to turn control over to my doctors and follow their directions.

I'm kind of a snob in the sense that I think I'm pretty smart.  I honestly don't go around thinking I'm way smarter than Joe down the street, but I do have a tendency to think that because I know my body and live in it then I know it well enough to blow off what I deem as bad advice from a doctor.  I'm probably like one of those people who would get cancer and think if I ate mangoes for ten days straight the enzymes would kill off the cancer cells.  (I'm just making that up--I've never heard any kind of advice about that but I do like mangoes.)  Basically, sometimes I can be my own worst enemy.

Dealing with depression and anxiety makes a person irritable and extremely emotional.  Operating from a place of emotion is hardly ever a good idea when you need to make logical decisions about your healthcare.  I wish I could find a way to be less emotional about this condition and just make logical decisions.  My primary care physician, for example, needs to be replaced--I need to find a new one.  The one I have has refused to treat my pain, called in the wrong amount of medication that I take regularly, and most recently, when I called to ask for a new blood glucose meter and strips, she called in the strips but not the meter.  At this point I've almost come to accept her gaffes, as it's clear she's either extremely unorganized or incompetent.  I'm honestly not sure which applies, but it's not really necessary to find out.  Oh, she's also the one who insisted I come in for a referral for a ultrasound, then never made the referral. Life would be a lot easier if I switched doctors and was done with her, but I find myself so angry and frustrated sometimes I can't think or respond logically.

As I have more things I have to get done, I get more anxious and more overwhelmed and more afraid of being in pain, and that just freezes me in place.  I can't seem to move forward.

So maybe it's not laziness as much as feeling overwhelmed and fearful.  I've always been one to stick with what I know, and now this is going to push me forward to do new things.  I've also long felt that God was sending me lots of lessons about living in the moment, which I'm horrible at doing.  This may be a stronger form of the same embrace the moment now and enjoy it for what it is.

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